Smack Zone — Smack Talk

Today, we begin a recurring Smack Zone series, How to Win an Argument with a ______ Fan. Our goal with these quick-and-dirty lists is to provide support material for the next time you find yourself in a sports bar smack down and need to put a particularly obnoxious fan in his or her place. (Or, if you happen to love the team in question, feel free to use this material to prepare your rebuttal. You're welcome.) We can think of no better place to start than the Bronx, home of the 27-time World Series champions (and 13-time World Series losers). Without further ado, here are 11 unassailable, 100-percent factual and historically accurate points that will help you win an argument with a New York Yankees fan:

1. Suzyn Waldman and John Sterling might be lovely people, but in the booth they are just the worst. It’s hard to tell if Yankees fans actually like the Yankees broadcasters, or if they merely tolerate them. Either way, here is audible proof that there’s just nothing worse in baseball.

Start with Sterling: [youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sxtgPjgZwPw] And this gem from Waldman: [youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DV3NhT0oXzY] Owowowow. My ears. 2. Sure, they’ve won 27 World Series. But they’ve also LOST 13 of them. Granted, that means they have won the American League title 40 times, but what good are those other 13 if they couldn’t finish the job? 3. They were on the wrong end of the most significant post-season hit in baseball history, Bill Mazeroski’s Game 7-winning home run for the Pirates in the 1960 World Series. What’s worse is the Yankees actually led the series, 2-0, before losing three in a row. Then they won Game 6 12-0 and had all the momentum in the world before Maz put them out of their misery in the ninth inning of Game 7. 4. They lost the 1995 ALDS to the Mariners after leading 2-0. What made this particularly brutal was that it was the only time during Don Mattingly’s long Yankees career that they made the playoffs. It was the last, fading echo of the Lost Decade of the 1980s. 5. Speaking of the 1980s … they mostly sucked. Sure, Mattingly and Dave Winfield were OK. But you talk about all that “great” Yankees history, you get stuck when you reach Donny Baseball’s decade. That famous sign outside the Yankees’ spring training complex in Tampa? The one that shows all 27 championship years stacked together? There is a glaring absence – the entire decade of the ‘80s. 6. Long-time owner George Steinbrenner was convicted of making illegal donations to the campaign to re-elect Richard Nixon president in 1972. He never went to prison, but it took a presidential pardon in 1989 to clear his record. 7. Steinbrenner vs. Billy Martin vs. Reggie Jackson was the greatest and most ridiculous three-way feud in the history of the game. The 1977-78 seasons earned the team the nickname the Bronx Zoo, even though they won back-to-back World Series titles. One big reason it was a zoo was the three biggest ego-maniacs in the game consistently made it all about themselves, often to the detriment of the team. It made for great theater, though. 8. Steinbrenner’s feud with Dave Winfield was even uglier in the mid-to-late 1980s. Steinbrenner was banned for life by Commissioner Fay Vincent for consorting with gambler Howie Spira, who was meant to dig up dirt on Winfield’s charitable foundation. It was all ridiculous, an exercise in egotism, and emblematic of everything wrong with the organization that eventually would earn the title the “Evil Empire” from Red Sox executive Larry Lucchino. 9. Even after one of the most successful eras of the team’s history, they couldn’t get an exit right. Both Don Zimmer, beloved bench coach, and Joe Torre, eventually a Hall of Fame manager, were essentially pushed out because of conflict with Yankees management (read: Steinbrenner). While Torre kissed and made up (sort of), Zimmer never really reconciled. 10. It all comes down to money. The Yankees have it and just don’t care if they waste it. Seriously. A 10-year, $275-million deal for Alex Rodriguez was obscene enough. But consider that the Yankees spent $179.1 million on five pitchers – Ed Whitson, Jose Contreras, Carl Pavano, Kei Igawa and A.J. Burnett – and received a total of 75 pitching victories for their money. It’s even worse when you realize that 34 of those victories came from the right arm of Burnett, so the other four bums combined for 41 wins. Pathetic. 11. Really, though, the one disgrace that should shut up any Yankees fan (but probably won’t) is this: two thousand four. As in, the year 2004. As in, the year they no longer could use the chant “1918” with any conviction. The year they led the Red Sox in the ALCS, 3-0, then became the first team in major-league history to blow a three-game lead in a seven-game series. It all fell apart in Game 4, when Mariano Rivera could not hold the lead against Kevin Millar, Dave Roberts, Bill Mueller, David Ortiz and Co. The Bloody Sock. Who’s Your Daddy? Johnny Damon. The Idiots. All of that … [youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NNnqbf2Vpv0] Case closed. Next week’s argument: the New England Patriots.

OK, it was ugly. Uglier than pre-boiled crab meat. Uglier than school cafeteria lunch smeared on the walls after a food fight. Uglier than a lot of things associated with Jameis Winston. Bucs fans could not have imagined anything this ugly, this soon: Titans 42, Tampa Bay 14. And it wasn’t even THAT close. It actually was uglier than the average four-TD blowout. What we need is perspective. So, here’s a related, ugly little statistic to keep in mind after Famous Jameis’ less-than-stellar debut as quarterback of the Tampa Bay Buccaneers: 2-10. That was the combined record in debut NFL starts for the past 12 QBs selected with the No. 1 overall pick. These guys, like Winston, all lost their first NFL starts as rookies:

• Andrew Luck, Colts
• Cam Newton, Panthers
• Sam Bradford, Rams
• Matthew Stafford, Lions
• JaMarcus Russell, Raiders
• Alex Smith, 49ers
• Eli Manning, Giants
• Carson Palmer, Bengals
• Tim Couch, Browns
• Peyton Manning, Colts

Among the quarterbacks selected with the No. 1 overall pick since 1998, only David Carr (Texans) and Michael Vick (Falcons) celebrated victory in their first NFL starts. Carr’s team finished 4-12 that year, and Vick was 4-for-12 passing in his first Atlanta start. What can we read into Marcus Mariota’s brilliance (158.3 passer rating) for Tennessee and Winston’s ugly incompetence Sunday at Raymond James Stadium? Not much, frankly. One horrible day does not a bust make. Similarly, one fantastic day does not mean Mariota is destined for the Hall of Fame. Still, if you’re a Bucs fan today, the question naturally becomes: What if? And that’s legit. It’s perfectly reasonable to wonder if the result would have been reversed if Mariota wore pewter, red and white on Sunday instead of Titans red, white and blue. It’s a question we won’t be able to answer for months or even years. Yet, today, it is telling that Bucs fans can ask that question without an ounce of hesitation. It’s OK to ask the question in the wake of that kind of embarrassment on the football field. Now, how will Winston answer? That’s what we’ll be watching in the weeks ahead. Gator on Gator [caption width="300" id="attachment_980" align="aligncenter"] Image: SB Nation[/caption]Jarrad Davis made perhaps the most important tackle of the day for the University of Florida Saturday in its 31-24 victory against East Carolina. What made it newsworthy was that the Gators defender didn’t tackle a Pirate – he tackled teammate Alex McAlister after McAlister recovered a fumble and headed needlessly to the end zone. Ah, nice job, Jarrad. Heads up play. A far, far better instance of Gator on Gator than this infamous moment from 2013 against Georgia Southern: [youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=05h49R4QX9U] Super Dumb The Giants had it locked up Sunday night against Cowboys. It could have been a game that threw Dallas into disarray already – a tough opening week loss, compounded by losing star WR Dez Bryant to a broken foot for at least five weeks. Instead, the Giants inexplicably gave the Cowboys a last gasp by passing, rather than running, when the game clock was winding down. Think the New York media was pissed about it? Check out this game story from the Daily News: Questionable Call Costs Giants. Coach Tom Coughlin took the blame, as he should have. It’s a comfort, actually, to know that multiple-Super Bowl winners like Coughlin and Eli Manning can suffer this kind of serious brain cramp. It puts our own fallibility into perspective. We’re sure Giants fans can appreciate that big-picture outlook. Right? Yeah. Sure they can. Chelsea's Not-So-Special One  During the 2014-15 Premier League season, Chelsea was as dominant as a club could be. It won the league by a whopping eight points (87 points to 79 for second place Manchester City), it won the League Cup domestic tournament, and it lost three games in league play ALL SEASON. With the “Special One,” Jose Mourinho, back in the manager’s chair, a long stretch of prominence among Europe’s soccer elite seemed inevitable. Nope. After a 3-1 loss to Everton Saturday, Chelsea finds itself in 17^th place out of 20 teams. It was Mourinho’s third league loss in five games already. So far this season, Mourinho has complained about his own team physician taking too long to treat an injured player during a game and has cursed out Everton manager Roberto Martinez when Martinez had the audacity to speak first to members of the media after Saturday’s game. This is glorious for Chelsea haters all over England and the world. Watching the Special One implode is an unusual experience, and the schadenfreude is thick in the air in London these days. Want an American equivalent? It would be like if defending national champion Ohio State had lost a squeaker at Virginia Tech, then got blown out at home against Hawaii this season. Chelsea’s struggles are a wonderful life lesson. Take nothing for granted, even if you have a Russian billionaire bankrolling your season. Oh, and it gets no easier for Mourinho’s lads this week. After a Champions League match against Maccabi Tel-Aviv Wednesday, they face title contenders Arsenal Saturday in what will surely be a scintillating London derby match. Brace yourself. The Special One is slipping. Uncle The biggest winners of the football weekend were, without a doubt, the competing one-week fantasy sports services Draft Kings and Fan Duel. We sincerely hope you didn’t give in to temptation and play the latest drinking game – slam your beer/beverage of choice throughout the duration of every Draft Kings or Fan Duel commercial. If you did, we don’t envy you the headache you woke up with this morning. Remember: Friends don’t let friends play drinking games tied to the hundreds and hundreds of Fan Duel and Draft Kings ads.

[caption id="attachment_953" align="aligncenter" width="474"] The season is finally upon us. Tom Brady is free, but the witch hunt continues. And that's just fine with Patriots fans, says the author.[/caption] By Mackie, Smack Zone contributor Just a few days after Tom Brady’s suspension was overturned and sports fans nationwide returned to their cubicles following Labor Day weekend, Patriots fans looked to have won the battle against the NFL and the media. … Until shortly after, stories dropped from ESPN and Sports Illustrated with many anonymous sources claiming Spygate was much more elaborate than it was portrayed to be nearly eight years ago, and that it went much further than the illegal video recording of opponents’ play calls in about 40 games. The accusations included claims that since 2000, the Patriots had been cheating in ways that included going into visiting team hotel rooms to rummage through trash cans and sneaking into opponent locker rooms to steal play sheets in hopes of finding anything that would give them an extra edge. The ESPN article also claims that low-level Patriots employees would go into opponent locker rooms and steal game plan play sheets, and that the organization even went as far as to bug opponent locker rooms and/or coach’s boxes. Am I a Patriots fan? Yes. Am I saying that we’ve never done anything wrong and that the Patriots didn’t ever cheat? No, we got caught and we have paid the price after Spygate, from the league and publicly. Is Tom Brady guilty of “being generally aware or having an elaborate scheme” of deflating footballs before the AFC Championship game? Honestly, none of us can say for sure. But what I do know is this: The New England Patriots have already been labeled as cheaters by football fans worldwide since the Spygate scandal dropped in 2007. With the Deflategate controversy, the Patriots are still labeled as cheaters, regardless of the ruling. It’s safe to say this label won’t be changed in the minds of football fans anytime soon. I’m sure you’ve either said or heard statements such as “The Patriots are a bunch of cheaters, that’s why they win all the time, that’s why they beat us.” But how long do you want to beat that dead horse? It is dead. Stop beating the horse. Yes, the Patriots were caught and punished for recording the signals of opponents 8 years ago illegally on the sidelines, rather than the regularly practiced and legal recording of signals from the Press Box. They were punished for it eight years ago, and all the damage has already been done. Do we really want to reopen that wound by tossing anonymous accusations out from something that might or might not have happened anywhere from eight to 15 years ago? But then, if the movies have taught us anything, it’s that people don’t forget (NSFW, language): [youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K9tcA_AM4BE] Tomorrow night marks the beginning of the NFL regular season. It’s a shame that around the country, the main headline and topic of conversation isn’t about who the favorite team is to win the Super Bowl or each division, or how good everyone’s fantasy football team is looking. News media and fans around the country aren’t even focused on the fact that FOOTBALL IS FINALLY HERE or excited to see some football TOMORROW NIGHT. The funniest part of all this to me is that regardless of whether what the Patriots did was illegal or just frowned upon, whether they are considered cheaters or not cheaters, they were winning a mental game against the rest of the league by a longshot, while being able to concentrate on preparing for the game itself. Essentially, the other teams were so focused on the possibility and perception that the Patriots are cheaters that they were warped with paranoia that every time they faced off against the Patriots, New England would cheat in some way. It's a nationwide phenomenon, evidently: [caption id="attachment_954" align="aligncenter" width="474"] Source: ESPN Sportsnation.[/caption] Commissioner Goodell and the rest of the NFL now have the Patriots on a tight leash, and it’s safe to say their every movement will be watched from here on out. Still want to call them cheaters and use that as an excuse for their success in the future? Fine, I encourage that. You want to know why? Because it’s what fuels a Patriots fan's passion: dedication and loyalty to our team. We Patriots fans are willing to put it all out there and fight to the figurative death. Our beloved sports teams have been the heart and pride of New England for as long as I have been alive and for many decades before that, back to when Red Auerbach led the Celtics to several championships, and even long before that. We aren’t about to abandon this great tradition, regardless of what people who aren’t us think about how our teams do what they do. (Which is, by the way, win. A lot. Deal with it.) So please, keep on calling us cheaters. When it comes down to it, all it does is make us look forward to kicking your team’s ass that much more! Mackie is a lifelong New England sports fan from down the Cape.

Our #SmackZone Twitter party is tonight at 8 p.m. eastern time. We're fired up. So fired up, in fact, we got to thinking about our favorite sports-related Twitter accounts and decided to share a few. So, here (in no particular order) are 10 sports Twitter accounts that make us laugh or think or give us the info we need to help make the world a better place for smack talk:

1. Darren Rovell (@DarrenRovell)

The ESPN reporter drops sports business knowledge like Stephen Curry drops 3s.

No matter how big the NFL is, nothing will ever match the pregame energy of a big time college football game

— Darren Rovell (@darrenrovell) September 8, 2015

2. The Onion Sports Network (@OnionSports) Fake sports headlines from the folks who bring us so many great fake news headlines.

Tom Brady Haunted By Destroyed Cell Phone Ringing Beneath Floorboards pic.twitter.com/Priyoe8Elb

— Onion Sports Network (@OnionSports) September 4, 2015

3. Caitlin Kelly (@atotalmonet) Managing editor of Vice Sports, living the life and tweeting about it.

Update: successfully convinced bar that Boston baseball is trash and again basking in the warm glow of Serena tennis ???

— Caitlin Kelly (@atotalmonet) September 5, 2015

4. Men in Blazers (@MenInBlazers) Funny commentary on soccer. Trust us.

Farewell to Seersucker #SadNap

— Men in Blazers (@MenInBlazers) September 7, 2015

5. PFT Commenter (@PFTCommenter) Hard to explain, actually. Sort of a cross between Borat and that guy in your dorm who is ALWAYS drunk and photo bombs EVERY shot.

Braxton Miller keeps spinning like that he'll soon be to dizzy to run at all. Bad coaching.

— PFTCommenter (@PFTCommenter) September 8, 2015

6. Tim Burke, Deadspin (@BubbaProg) The GIF and still photo master lives right in Smack Apparel's back yard. He watches it all, so we don't have to.

pic.twitter.com/AS0NYrMlA5

— Timothy Burke (@bubbaprog) September 8, 2015

7. Tom Brady's Ego -- parody (@TomBradysEgo) No description necessary.

My response to Roger Goodell upholding my four-game suspension. https://t.co/VcpqcRBlgq

— Tom Brady's Ego (@TomBradysEgo) July 28, 2015

8. The Fake ESPN -- parody (@TheFakeEspn) Not-real headlines from a not-real Entertainment and Sports Programming Network.

BREAKING: RGIII reduced to RGI.5 for quick sale.

— The Fake ESPN (@TheFakeESPN) September 2, 2015

9.  Old Hoss Radbourn (@OldHossRadbourn) Digital life from the perspective of an 1800s Hall of Fame pitcher. Did you know this guy won FIFTY-NINE (59) games for the Providence Grays in 1884?

Actually, it's the next 180 innings that are tough.

— Old Hoss Radbourn (@OldHossRadbourn) September 5, 2015

10. Pretend Lou Holtz -- parody (@PretendLouHoltz) Cutting-edge commentary from someone other than the former Notre Dame national champion and ESPN Game Day talker.

The Buckeyesh have sho many quartherbaths they thurn them into wide resheeversh and shtill make them shtars .. ITSH NOTH THAIR!

— Lou Holtz (@PretendLouHoltz) September 8, 2015

__________________

Oh, and don't forget to follow us at @SmackApparel. Join us tonight to celebrate the beginning of football season and the launch of this-here blog. Use the hashtag #SmackZone and maybe you'll win some Smack Apparel merchandise. BE THERE.

Five things worth a bit more reflection after an eventful weekend in sports:

1. As BYU backup quarterback Tyler Mangum ranged to his right and launched the game-winning 42-year Hail Mary pass in his team’s 33-28 victory against Nebraska Saturday, a fan hundreds of feet away in the opposite end zone had his camera rolling.

[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oU7QJ8ecLv4] We found that video on YouTube. We like it because it gives us a different look at the Play of the Year so far in college football (yeah, we said it). We LOVE it because of the fan’s burst of laughter at the :20 mark. Laugh smack is the best smack.

2. Mets ace pitcher Matt Harvey took a lot of heat in New York over the weekend for not pounding his chest and exclaiming that he would defy the recommendation of surgeon James Andrews (and, perhaps more importantly, the orders of agent Scott Boras) by blasting right through his medically mandated 180-inning limit this season.

[caption id="attachment_930" align="alignleft" width="240"] Image: NY Daily News.[/caption] Harvey, known affectionately to Mets fans as the Dark Knight, was smacked HARD by the Daily News with a pretty brilliant depiction of the big right-hander as Harvey Dent, AKA Batman’s nemesis Two Face. Harvey fired back with a first-person vow in Derek Jeter’s the Player’s Tribune that he would, in fact, pitch in the playoffs. This all seems like a big none story to us at this point. After all, the Mets still have to GET TO the postseason for Harvey to pitch there. And don’t look now, but those under-achieving Washington Nationals are coming on hard and fast.

3. There might not be a more compelling sibling rivalry in sports history than Venus vs. Serena. The Williams sisters easily won their respective U.S. Open Round of 16 matches on Sunday, so they advanced to meet one another in the quarterfinals. At stake: Serena’s quest to hold all four tennis major titles in the same calendar year.

This one has all the elements of a truly historic sports rivalry: two great champions, one (Venus) aging but still brilliant, one (Serena) among the most accomplished professional athletes in U.S. history. A historic milestone, the tennis Grand Slam. All with the added drama of sister vs. sister. We will be watching.

4. This video from a high school football game in Texas is an illustration of everything wrong with sports. Two players from San Antonio John Jay High targeted a referee with cheap shots from behind during the play.

[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RNCrs63JeuM] The two players have reportedly been suspended by their school district (gee, ya think?). The John Jay coach apologized for the attack, but clearly that was not going to be enough to make amends. Come on, Texas. Let’s keep it civil, eh? If you have an issue with the ref, take the high road and stick to the time-honored tradition of creative insults punctuated with off-color language.

5. We don’t even know what to make of this. The Kansas State band broke into its Star Trek routine at halftime Saturday, but suddenly a giant Kansas Jayhawk appeared … in … space? And attacked … a cylindrical … what IS that? The Enterprise? REALLY?

Here’s how it was SUPPOSED to look: [caption id="attachment_931" align="aligncenter" width="474"] Image: Kansas State University.[/caption] This video shows how it ACTUALLY looked: [youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NKGwf7CBWuw] Um. OK. There were a number of interpretations of the band’s routine floating around the Internet this weekend. We’ll leave it to you to decide what … it … really … is.