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      Smack Zone — Charlie Strong

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      Longhorns Beat Oklahoma; Still Suck

      [caption id="attachment_1312" align="aligncenter" width="474"]Texas Longhorns Texas shocked Oklahoma in the Red River Rivalry Saturday, but all that did was raise the question: Where was that performance against everyone else? Smack Zone illustration: Steve Hill.[/caption] OK, we'll own it. We were wrong about the outcome of the Red River Rivalry. We incorrectly wrote off the Texas Longhorns, and they came out Saturday and put it on the Oklahoma Sooners, 24-17. Good job, Longhorns. You deserved to win and you can bask in the glory of another upset of your biggest rival. Too bad you still suck. What? You won, sure. Congratulations. You're 2-4, 1-2 in the Big 12. You still lost to Notre Dame and Texas Christian by a combined score of 88-10. Yes, Coach Charlie Strong body-surfed his way out of the Texas State Fairground Saturday, and his players could congratulate themselves for "winning one for Coach." That can work -- once or twice. College football is great because occasionally, the young men who strap it on can get motivated to play above their collective ability and shock the world. In the long run, though, talent defeats motivation. That's how the Longhorns used to win: They had better players than the other guys. Now? Not so much. Oh, and here is the bottom line when it comes to the Red River Rivalry: As long as victories by Texas are considered "upsets," the Longhorns are a long way away from their former national prominence.      

      Where the Hell is the Red River, Anyway?

      [caption id="attachment_1298" align="aligncenter" width="474"]Texas-Oklahoma Oklahoma Coach Bob Stoops pretty much eats the Longhorns for dinner. Smack Apparel illustration: Steve Hill.[/caption] By Erez Ladetzky, Smack Zone Contributor Three words that get two states’ collective blood boiling: Red River Rivalry. This weekend marks the 110th edition of this matchup between Oklahoma and Texas. In its glory years, this game used to decide who won the Big 12. Now, it is just another game between two schools that hate each other. Texas is to blame for that, considering how bad they have become this year. And don’t get us started with the name of the game, “Red River Rivalry.” I mean, Red River? Really? How many people in this country know where the Red River is? Or even care about it? At least make it a cool name. Florida and Georgia play in “The World’s Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party.” Now that’s a game worth going to! It’s not even the only Red River in the world. C’mon man! This rivalry has seen both teams go on long winning streaks. Texas went on a six-game winning streak in the ‘30s and an eight game streak in the ‘40s. Oklahoma won six in a row in the ‘50s and five in a row in the ‘70s. Texas has the all-time edge with a 60-44-5 record against Oklahoma. Superstar players used to play in this game. Not anymore. These teams now don’t have the caliber of players they used to. Oklahoma had Adrian Peterson, Mark Clayton, Keith Jackson, Gerald McCoy, Lee Roy Selmon and Roy Williams. Texas had players such as Ricky Williams, Earl Campbell, Vince Young, Stanley Richard and Bryant Westbrook. Now, outside of Texas and Oklahoma – or the Red River valley, whatever and wherever that is -- this is simply another game on the schedule. There will be no championship implications. These teams definitely hate each other still, but it just doesn’t have the juice it used to. Hopefully, one day, it gets back to being one of the top games of the year. But that day is not Saturday.

      Texas Football is STILL Better than These 33 Things

      [caption id="attachment_1236" align="aligncenter" width="474"]Texas Football Things are bad for the University of Texas, but it could always be worse. Illustration: Steve Hill for Smack Zone.[/caption] We know what you’re thinking: What college football team sucks more than the Texas Longhorns under second-year coach Charlie Strong? Wait a minute. WHY WOULD YOU ASK SUCH A QUESTION? What are you, some kind of agitator? Do you relish negativity? Are you one of those people who enjoys the misery of others? Damn, that’s cold, dude. And at the start of Red River Rivalry week, too. You ought to be ashamed. Rather than ask such a negative, nasty, unhelpful question, why not take a positive approach? Why not think of it in terms of how much better University of Texas football is than these 33 things:

        1. A root canal.
        2. Dropping a bowling ball on your big toe.
        3. Taking a sip of coffee that you thought was still warm but turns out to be ice-freaking-cold.
        4. Taking a sip of coffee you didn’t realize was about 8,000 degrees and burning the hell of out your tongue.
        5. Unpassable kidney stones.
        6. Running out of gas on Route 90 between Del Rio, Texas, and Van Horn, Texas.
        7. NOT running out of gas on Route 90 between Del Rio and Van Horn.
        8. Idaho football. Barely.
        9. Dropping your iPhone in the toilet.
        10. Losing the remote. Again.
        11. Sitting in a recliner 15 feet away from the coffee table, which is where the remote turned out to be.
        12. Graduating with $60,000 in student loan debt and having to move back in with your parents.
        13. Standing in line for an hour at the DMV with no signal on your iPhone.
        14. When the PlayStation network is hacked again and all you want to do is play FIFA 16.
        15. Going into the Swamp on a high with national title aspirations and getting the crap kicked out of you.
        16. Getting sand in your Tag Heuer at the beach.
        17. Not being able to figure out what Instagram filter works best on your amazing sunset photo.
        18. Drafting Jordy Nelson in the first round on your fantasy football team.
        19. When Tori Spelling spills the beans about your summer romance.
        20. Any given Kardashian.
        21. At least half of the kickers in the NFL today.
        22. Stepping in dog poop – barefoot.
        23. Getting eliminated from baseball’s post-season on the last day of the season.
        24. Getting your name spelled incorrectly on the cup at Starbucks.
        25. When you have the perfect tweet about how bad Texas football is, but it’s too many characters.
        26. Finding out Darth Vader is your father.
        27. Finding out Hayden Christensen is Darth Vader.
        28. Making out with Michael Scott of the Office.
        29. Having to login EVERY TIME you open an app on a free Wi-Fi signal.
        30. Craving Chick-fil-A on a Sunday.
        31. Watching your carefully planned and choreographed Star Trek routine turn into a national laughing stock when the band loses its shape on the field and it starts to look like a giant Jawhawk performing oral sex instead of battling the Enterprise. [caption id="attachment_931" align="aligncenter" width="300"]Kansas State band Image: Kansas State University.[/caption]
        32. Ebola.
        33. Toby Flenderson.
      Flenderson Texas football is bad, yes. But it is still better than all of these things. So, take heart, Longhorn fans. It could always be worse.