Smack Zone

[caption id="attachment_1153" align="aligncenter" width="474"] Ugh. The Packers. Amirite?[/caption] This is a recurring Smack Zone educational series focused on assisting fans to take down their rivals in a sports bar argument. We've hit the Yankees and the Patriots so far. Today, we turn our attention to the arrogant, obtuse, beer-and-bratwurst-addled, loyal, friendly, passionate, and intelligent fan base of the Green Bay Packers. Wait, what? Yeah, we're a bit torn on this one. Read on for an explanation.

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All right, it’s possible we’ve bitten off more cheddar here than we can chew. The Green Bay Packers are, after all, the Great American Sports Success Story. A little town at the mouth of the Fox River, perched on the lip of Lake Michigan, way up north in ‘Sconsin. A meat-packing town, a town of beer and bratwurst and large, Nordic traditions. Oh, by the way … Title Town. It’s true, you know. The Packers have won 15 league championships in their history, including 11 before the Super Bowl became the standard for greatness 50 years ago. And of course, there are those four Super Bowls – including the first two played. I mean, what can you say that’s bad about the Packers? The Packers are Lombardi, Starr, Favre, Reggie, Nitschke and Hornung. They are Lambeau Field, the Frozen Tundra, and tailgating for days. They are the little team that could in the little town that said, “You know what? We’re going to own this.” And they do own it – the public ownership structure of the Green Bay Packers is unique in major American sports. The people in the stands aren’t just fans, they’re team owners. Sort of. Green Bay is a real, nice place with real, nice people. A place where they love their football team so much, it’s more religion than sport. How can we possibly argue against that? Oh, I guess we’ll just have to give it our best shot, eh?

1. We’ll start with what remains one of the creepiest celebrations in sports, made even worse by its adoption in those Discount Double Check commercials:

2. It’s too damn cold. The average low temperature in Green Bay in January is 14. Enough said. [caption id="attachment_1156" align="aligncenter" width="300"] So, so cold. @Karen54301[/caption]
3. Cheese clothes.

Seriously?

4. Bratwurst kills. The average saturated fat content of an 85-gram bratwurst is 9 grams, 43 percent of the recommended daily intake of saturated fat. Furthermore, the average brat contains 65 milligrams of cholesterol and 720 milligrams of sodium. Basically, a bratwurst is an edible heart attack.

5. “Binge drinking is a sport in Wisconsin.” – Former Brown County Sheriff’s Office patrol captain. This is a serious problem. Seriously: Binge Drinking in State Still Far Exceeds U.S. Average

6. Anti-Packers Facebook pages also are a sport in Wisconsin: Green Bay Packers Suck, Anti-Green Bay Packers Memes, Official Anti-Green Bay Packers Fan Club.

Aw, hell. You know what? This is hopeless. The Packers are just too good, their fans too nice, their stadium too historic, their atmosphere too epic, their beer too cold, their food too tasty. We can’t do it. We can’t win an argument with a Packers fan. If only someone – SOMEONE – in the world could craft the ultimate anti-Packers tome. If only someone smarter and more handsome than us could eviscerate Packer Nation with well-honed prose and sublime video clips. If only someone could capture the pure, helpless angst that swept through the land of the Cheeseheads after last year’s NFC Championship Game collapse against the Seahawks. If only … wait. Oh. Oh, yeah. Thank you, Drew Magary. The world owes you a debt of gratitude. And a beer. Green Bay Packers: Why Your Team Sucks 2015. Case closed.

[caption id="attachment_1140" align="alignright" width="474"] The Jim McElwain Era at Florida is off to an auspicious start. The Gators are back in the AP top 25 for the first time since 2013, and are poised for a game with Ole Miss that has national title implications. Seems like old times ...[/caption]   By Erez Ladetzky, SMACK ZONE contributor After Florida’s wild, last-minute victory against Tennessee Saturday at the Swamp, the Gators have re-entered the AP poll as the No. 25 team for the first time since 2013. Making room for the Gators, Oregon dropped out of the AP for the first time since 2009 after getting whooped at home by Utah. The days of Tim Tebow leading the Gators to double-digit wins are over. Outside of All-America defensive back Vernon Hargreaves III, there are not too many potential first-round NFL picks on this Gators team. This team probably won’t win the national championship any time soon, but returning to relevance is the next step. That step was taken with a crazy victory over the Vols on Saturday. Tennessee did the most Tennessee thing possible, blew ANOTHER double-digit lead to lose a heartbreaking game. This time, the Vols had a 13-point lead in the fourth quarter and STILL managed to lose this game. Florida was set up with fourth and 13 with just under two minutes to go and down by 6. Not only did the Gators convert, they scored a TD on that play to take a 1 point lead. Vols coach Butch Jones is feeling the heat on his seat right about now. Tennessee drove the field to set themselves up for a last second field goal, and came inches away from ending UF’s dominance over them. Jones did a little, very brief, wishful thinking celebration when he thought the field goal was good. That was just kind of sad, actually. Florida heads into October undefeated, and facing a brutal schedule. Who thought Ole Miss-UF would have national championship implications? We sure didn’t. But next Saturday, Florida hosts Ole Miss in a battle of ranked, undefeated SEC teams. Ole Miss goes to Gainesville as the No. 3 team in the nation, and has playoffs on its mind. The Gators can make a huge statement with a victory Saturday. Not only will it help them gain confidence heading into the meat of their conference schedule, but it would be a story book start to the Jim McElwain era. Not too many people counted on Florida to play meaningful games in October this year, but that is what they will do. Another bonus for Florida: FSU dropped a spot in the AP poll to No. 11 after not playing last weekend. Not a bad day to be a Florida Gator. But just as a friendly reminder to the Gators that things can go South quickly in this game, here's a Vine clip of receiver C.J. Worton taking one off the gourd during Saturday's game:

Monday morning hits you like … https://t.co/F19YYmlo0r

— SB Nation (@SBNation) September 28, 2015

 

[caption id="attachment_1132" align="alignright" width="474"] OK, so with Big Ben out, it's up to Michael Vick to keep things rolling. One thing doesn't change, though: In Pittsburgh, 'Ravens' is a four-letter word.[/caption] It could have been worse. In fact, it LOOKED a lot worse. As Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger writhed on the field in the immediate aftermath of a tough hit on his left knee by Rams safety Mark Barron, it looked like Pittsburgh's season was about to go up in smoke. Even as Big Ben grimaced and shook his head on the sideline, the frightening reality that this was now Michael Vick's team for the duration was beginning to set in for Steelers fans. But, it wasn't as bad as first thought. Roethlisberger is only expected miss four-six weeks with a sprained medial collateral ligament (MCL). So, while he'll miss out on Thursday's rivalry game against the 0-3 Baltimore Ravens, he could be back as soon as Nov. 1 against the surging Bengals. This is huge, because a glance at the final third of Pittsburgh's schedule is just plain scary for a Steelers team without Big Ben under center: at Seattle, Colts at home, at Bengals, Broncos at home, at Ravens, at Browns. They're going to need their talisman for those games. So, just as the injury could have been worse, so could the timing. Anyway, it's not a complete disaster for Pittsburgh. Roethlisberger has missed 16 games since his debut in 2004. The Steelers were 9-7 in those games. It will be up to Vick to keep it simple and let running backs DeAngelo Williams and Le'Veon Bell do their thing on the ground. If he can recapture a little bit of that old Vick glory -- as opposed to the ugly mess he brought to the Jets last year -- Pittsburgh just might be able to weather the next four-six weeks. Maybe.            

[caption id="attachment_1128" align="alignright" width="300"] Papelbon: "Hey, bro, run that out!" Harper: "Hey, bro, F you!" Papelbon: "No, bro, F you!" And then they danced.[/caption] So, the Washington Nationals' star player didn't exactly bust it down the line on a can-o-corn pop-out late in yet another disappointing chapter in what was supposed to be their year. It's Bryce Harper, dude. He's going to be the National League's MVP this year -- and many more years in the future. Surely, he can jog one out here and there? Um, no. That's not the way it's done. That's a BS way to play the game, and anybody who knows baseball knows that. Cubs manager Joe Maddon, during his time with the Rays, was known to pull dudes on the spot for not busting it down the first-base line. You going to argue with Joe Ma about the unwritten rules of the game? Hustle is mandatory, and you'd think a manager like Matt Williams, who was known to be a hard-ass as a player, would want more from his young leader. And maybe Williams might have said something later. But ... Then, recently acquired closer Jonathan Papelbon decided to "show leadership." Bad idea. Remember Harper's snide response to a reporter's question a few years ago? "That's a clown question, bro." You know what? The Nationals are now perceived as a clown team, bro. That's a reflection of Williams, certainly, but at some point the superstar needs to step up and stop acting like a nonchalant kid. This piece for Fox Sports by former pitcher C.J. Nitkowski sums up the feeling around baseball: Players Overwhelmingly Support Papelbon. That said, Papelbon was an idiot (it came naturally, we're sure, based on his Red Sox history). He acknowledged later that it wasn't his place to admonish Harper in that spot, that it's Williams' job to do that. And oh, this: Stop choking dudes, Pap. Too late, though. Washington's collapse was complete last week when the Mets clinched the NL East. This is the fallout. And it ain't pretty.

Tom Brady joined Peyton Manning, Dan Marino and Bret Favre as the only QBs in NFL history with 400 or more TD passes. (Illustration: Steve Hill) Three games into what might have been a four-game suspension, were it not for a judge in New York, Tom Brady seems determined to make the league pay for the Deflategate fiasco. It's been eight years since Brady, at age 30, blasted through the NFL record book to become the first quarterback with 50 touchdown passes in a season. At age 38, coming off a spring and summer of court appearances and embarrassing -- and ultimately, still unproven -- accusations by Commissioner Roger Goodell, Brady is wrecking dudes. A 51-17 victory Sunday against the Jaguars was no surprise, actually. As long as tight end Rob Gronkowski is upright, and as long as Brady's right arm stays limber, New England will post big, big offensive numbers against lesser opponents like Jacksonville. What is mildly surprising is that Brady has not been merely good, or even very good. Or even great. He has been just about perfect. Through three games, he has nine touchdown passes, a 72.2 completion percentage and 1,112 passing yards. Oh, and ZERO interceptions. And by the way, even as he tears through yet another early season, he's smashing all-time milestones. How's 400 touchdown passes? Not bad, especially when you consider his elite company: Dan Marino, Brett Favre, Peyton Manning. Now, he and the Patriots take a little breather with an early bye week before heading out for back-to-back road games against the Romo-less Cowboys and scuffling Colts. Frankly, the game we're waiting for is Nov. 29, Pats at Broncos, Tom at Peyton. That looks to be the only potential loss on New England's schedule, except for one detail: Brady is 11-5 lifetime against Peyton. We're looking at history here, folks. The Tom Brady Revenge Tour rolls on, and there seems to be very little the league can do to stop it.