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How to Win an Argument with a Chicago Blackhawks Fan

October 06, 2015

This is a recurring Smack Zone feature designed to help opposing fans win an argument with the team in question (and to help fans of that team prepare their rebuttals). We have done the Yankees, Patriots and Packers so far. Today's subject: the Chicago Blackhawks (we still love you, 'Hawks fans. Really, we do). [caption id="attachment_1246" align="alignright" width="165"]Chicago Blackhawks. Red Wings fans get it.[/caption] They drop the puck for real in the NHL this week, and that means the Chicago Blackhawks once again are poised to begin a defense of a Stanley Cup championship -- their third in five years. This is getting old. The Patrick Kane-Jonathan Toews Era is getting old. Chelsea Dagger by the Fratellis is getting WAY old. Seeing the United Center on TV in June is getting old. All this talk about the glory of the Original Six is getting old. It's all tired. Still, the renaissance of the franchise since Rocky Wirtz took over for his late father at the top of the organization in 2007 has been nothing short of inspirational. Things were awful before that, but it's hard to imagine a more enjoyable team to root for now than the Blackhawks. You know what, though? The Chicago Blackhawks might finally be on the verge of a fall. Or at least a stumble. Too many core players have moved on from last year's champion, and there are too many questions surrounding Kane. Speaking of which, let's start there with our tips for how to win an argument with a Chicago Blackhawks fan -- the bandwagoners or those who falsely claim not to be bandwagoners (there are no other kinds of Blackhawks fans, after all). Patrick Kane is (allegedly) a criminal. This is a big deal and no doubt about it. Kane's sexual assault case is not going away any time soon, and it is bound to be a distraction. Oh, and? It could land his ass in prison. Be a bit tough to raise the Cup from behind bars, eh? And what does it say about Chicago fans that Kane, still under investigation for sexual assault, received one of the loudest ovations at Soldier Field when the team brought the Cup to a recent Bears game? Kane's lawyer represents Hustler publisher Larry Flynt. OK, listen. Everyone has the right to the best legal representation money can buy. But the optics on this are brutal and just ... stupid. Kane is accused of sexual assault. Attorney Paul Cambria is known as the Porn Lawyer for his decades-long association with Flynt. In fact, during a recent interview, Cambria left a mug with the Hustler logo on a shelf behind him. That's beyond tasteless. It's either ridiculously arrogant or absurdly imbecilic. Maybe both. All Chicago Blackhawks fans are bandwagon fans. Oh, sure, there are the die-hards who claim to have been part of the fan base before the glory days began in 2008-09. They are lying. The only fans of the Blackhawks are those who jumped on the bandwagon within the past seven or eight years. Want to know how to tell? Ask them to tell you about their favorite memory of Denis Savard. The universal answer: Who? One of their biggest celebrity fans is this guy:  [caption id="attachment_1247" align="aligncenter" width="474"]Chicago Blackhawks Charles Barkley possesses the worst swing in the history of golf and is a Blackhawks fan. Coincidence? Yes. But it's a funny-ass golf swing so here you go.[/caption] OK, Blackhawks fans. We get it. If you're even half as loyal as you say you are, it should be no problem AT ALL to fire back at all of the aforementioned points. We never said it would be easy to win an argument with a Chicago Blackhawks fan. After all, not many teams have won SIX Stanley Cups. Speaking of which, here's one for the 'Hawks: [caption id="attachment_1250" align="aligncenter" width="170"]Chicago Blackhawks OK, the Blackhawks don't really suck. Unless you're a Red Wings fan. Then, all bets are off.[/caption] Case closed. But not that Patrick Kane sexual assault case. That's still wide-freaking-open.


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